mr. zilla goes to town

Thursday, March 17, 2005

of bananas, gun control and malnutrition

A quick perusal of the Guardian today reveals a brief insight into the causes of the trials and tribulations facing British society in the 21st century: there just aren't enough handguns in the country, and it's making old people malnourished.

First we hear that 60% of patients admitted to UK hospitals are malnourished:

Doctors today called for a UK-wide programme to screen all patients for malnutrition when they are admitted to hospital so they can get the specialist dietary help they require.

The doctors and other health professionals from charity the British Association for Parenteral and Enteral Nutrition (BAPEN), which is devoted to improving the management of malnutrition, claim around 60% of patients suffer from clinical malnutrition on admission to hospital - most of them elderly and frail.

It's no wonder the old folks aren't getting their vitamins though, when the lack of handguns in the UK means that market forces are causing all the fruit and veg in the country to be used for other nefarious purposes:

An optimistic robber who thought he could hold up shopkeepers with a banana was jailed yesterday after his second attempt ended in farce.

Robert Downey's harmless weapon was so badly disguised in a plastic bag, which revealed both its colour and tell-tale bend, that his victims carried on chatting as he screamed: "I want the money or I will effing shoot you."

Now desperate smacky behaviour is one thing, but really, nitwits nicking nana's 'nanas is right off. If only our social bonds were still as immediately connected as our global economic bonds, I imagine there are a still a few scurvy-bent old age pensioners who would give this young hooligan a right thwack with their brolly and see him to rights.

Having solved this pressing problem with some old fashioned common sense, I'm going across to Cambridge tomorrow, Ms Z is there at the moment for a seminar. We'll also be cheerfully catching up with another ex-Canberrian, Miss B's brother Mr Fancypants.

2 Comments:

  • You've turned into my "that's vaguely cool" dumping ground, you know that, right?

    *NEW CHALLENGE!!*

    For Banned Book week, its the "how many *challenged* books have YOU read?" competition!!

    I have read twenty four (and am teaching three this year! In a private anglican school!)

    beat THAT, ponyboy (see number 43).

    http://www.ala.org/ala/oif/bannedbooksweek/bbwlinks/100mostfrequently.htm

    Oh also - say hi to fancypants for me!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:07 am  

  • I made it to 27... including a disturbing number of Judy Blume books. No doubt my teenaged sister was to blame for having such dangerous material in the house.

    And hilariously I remember actually LENDING the third in the series of Jean M Auel's sex scene sodden series to my (extremely hot) grade six catholic primary school teacher, Miss Griffin... and discussing with her how great the books were.. heh heh...

    I am perplexed how on earth "James and the Giant Peach" by Roald Dahl end up on that list though? I mean all the Stephen King crap sure, I'd probably actually be in favour of a bit of creative book burning there myself but... James? innocent young James and his happy giant insect friends? Was there some satanic or acid trip subtext there I missed as a kid?

    By Blogger mister z, at 8:26 am  

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