You lucky lucky people... I am like 'the daywalker' Wesley Snipes in Blade, providing Atlantic-spanning political theory one day, and now with the other foot in Europe, presenting mister zilla's live eurovision commentary....
First performance of the night is an encore from last year's Ukranian winner, featuring a six foot slavic lass in half a pair of trousers firing off a flamethrower. Game on!
First actual entry of the night - Hungary! Yeah yeah, blokes doing some high steppin fancy dancin. Pass the guinness.
UK! Good god, a kingdom of sixty million plus people and this is the best on offer? Better hope some pity votes come in from Ireland who didn't make the cut!
Malta! Hey! Who put the fat lady on third! Move to the back of the queue miss, there's plenty of yogurt in the green room!
Romania! It's a rousing, stomp-inspired, light industrial, euro-synth laden number featuring the love clone of Elvira and Ruby Wax! Now we're getting somewhere!
Norway! Come on, come on, come on! Absolute gold. Well, absolute silver spandex actually. Great work keeping some classic hairy-chested glam on ice all these years guys.
Turkey... Shit, more bongos! Get off you trollop!
Moldova! Now this is what we came for. It's green day meets your granny in a rocking chair. Ohh and she's out of the chair now and rockin it too! Sick!
Albania! Boobies! Yes, boobies so good I can almost ignore the awful song and the dancers' weird faux violins. Almost. Next!
Cyprus. Well at least now we know where Scary Spice has been the last few years: locked in a cage on the Neverland Ranch.
Spain. What the hell happened here? Looks like Ricky Gervias fell asleep on the beach in Ibiza and was abducted by a guerilla flamenco troupe who promptly hocked his corneas to raise money for bribes to fix the count. Ouch, and his larynx too. Poor fella.
Israel! A half decent bleedin heart ballad that Ms Z swears is a Japanese rip. 3 points for the great dress.
Serbia. Look fellas if you wanna b-backstreet at least try to have one
dance move. Just one would be enough! Muppets!
Denmark! It's bloody Queer Eye for the Hawaiian Shirt time. But what happy little shoes you have!
Sweden! I'm in a room of about 40 people and every girl in here just screamed and threw her knickers at the big screen. Hunka hunka man candy is our root vegetable on screen. We may have a contender...
Macedonia! Uhhh, did the lead lip syncer just pick his nose? I think he just did! Damn, that's some edgy choreography.
Ukraine! Awwwww the feelgood moment of the night as GreenJolly, the soundtrack to the revolution gets a guernsey. Ohhh looky the little dancers are breaking their chains. Did someone give the MC some hemlock too or did he look that bad anyway?
Germany! The keyboard banger has a KISS-style star on his eye and the lead lipper's eyelash extensions are so long she looks crosseyed, but they still can't disguise a frightfully bland effort.
Croatia! I feel sorry for Mr. tall, dark, seductive and handsome up front. Clearly no one told him about the guy playing the sack of bagpipes or the ugly as sin bald drummer totally blowing his schtick.
Greece. Oh how nice! Israel won Eurovision with a transsexual singer in 1998 and Greece think it's going to get them over the line too! Hang on a minute no, I think she's really a she, was just taught to dance by a gorilla with bad feet I think. Damn, did that dancer guy just pull the cello out of his pants??
Russia! Yeah ok, slighty rock, slightly good! Extra points for almost falling out of your titanium sequin swimsuit miss!
Bosnia! Your patently transparent ABBA rip off gets the response it deserves. A toilet break.
Switzerland! I think the group's name, "Vanilla Ninja", is their only redeeming feature.
Latvia! I don't think these kids are old enough to sit on these barstools let alone go into bars. Ohhhhh, cunning tactical positioning though, I think they've got the deaf vote sealed up.
Lucky last, France! Look you bloody mongs, international diplomacy is the perfect venue to demonstrate your superior grasp of nuance and subtlety and by golly I'm in your corner over the position you took with Mr Blix and so forth. But six people in basic black doing some effete little shimmers on a six thousand foot stage before an entire stadium, nay, an entire continent, nay, a potential Federation of nations squalling in the womb of a new Europa - plus of course the hangers on from beyond who get invited along to be polite, yes Turkey we're talking about you - wake up and smell the sequins kids!
And now the results...
And a few more results...
Funny how they can rip through the count from multi millions of people in thirty something countries faster than the Brownlow isnt it?
And a few more results........
Well its Greece on top god damn it, my money in the sweep was on Moldova, now if you'll excuse me there's more guinness and a kebab with my name on it somewhere in this town... thank you and good night!