mr. zilla goes to town

Thursday, May 19, 2005

GUTs or (old) glory

The tone of discourse is passing strange this week in Washington. A report at Newshounds via The Poor Man:

Neal Horsley returned to the Alan Colmes [ie Fox] Radio Show Thursday night to defend his history of his, er, um, fancy of a certain mule in his pre-teen life of a "normal" farm boy. It was a natural occurence, he said, like that of a mutt that will hump everything warm and wet in sight. He maintained that he did not rape the mule. Horsley claimed that the mule consented and was a willing consultant in this match due to the fact that the mule was clearly a whore for accepting the gift of an ear of corn for the sexual act. Now if you are doing a double take on that piece of information, I should advise you, he really said it.

Mr. Horsley stated that it is logical and natural to engage in beastiality in today's world, comparing it to consenting gay sex. Mule-man sex is natural, and man-man sex is natural but not normal.

... Horsley continued by saying that you can be forgiven for the "naturalness" of beastiality because animals are dumb and have no feelings, but those involved in homsexuality should be put in prison.

So while you pick your jaw up of the floor and take your seat again, I’ll preface what follows by saying that while I am not keen to discuss the congress of man and eqine any further, the blogosphere is all about getting terrier like into an issue in which you have some comparative advantage in the ability to inform your fellow man, so off we go:

As you may be aware, the holy grail of theoretical physics is a Grand Unified Theory which provides a unified explanation for the five forces in the universe: the electromagnetic, the strong nuclear, the weak nuclear, gravity, and mothers. Brilliant minds such as Stephen Hawking have given the matter many years of effort. Nonetheless, many notable physicists however had to sagely but sadly shake their wispy grey heads and turn to other matters upon being presented with a conundrum that seems to preclude ever reaching a provable G.U.T.

Known formally in the inner circles of Cambridge, Massachusetts as the Herscovitch-Dingwall Noncertainty Principle but in whispered curses as simply the horsefucker theorem, this 148-page mathematical proof logically elucidates that in the instance of a person entering a barn (E) to find another man (M) standing upon a barrel in flagrante delicto with an equine companion (H), it can never be possible to explain what goes through the minds of the person entering the barn, the man on the barrel, and, crucially, the horse, in a context which there simultaneously exists a singular, unified and sensible universe. The universe is just one inexplicably crazy freakin' ball of mischief, and there can be no GUT, QED.

Now since Laura Bush's revelation the other week -- possibly in jest as I initially thought, but with regression analysis demonstrating a disturbingly high probability of being based in fact – my sources in DC tell me that political scientists at Georgetown University have been up to their elbows in blackboard chalk and powdered governance attempting to interpolate any localized consequences for the polity should man (M) be substituted for coke-addled fratboy and future President of the United States (W).

Some preliminary results have been achieved by firing some of the more useless members of the US congress at relativistic velocities through the supposedly incomplete Superconducting Supercollider in Texas. They seem to indicate that if one postulates that such an event actually took place during George W. Bush’s 'lost year' in 1972, the resulting chaos butterfly like effects upon the fabric of the Republic have causal implications from everything from the Watergate scandal to the complete horse’s ass of the last thirty years of US foreign policy.

If, however, said event took place during W’s astroturf relocation to Texas prior to running for Governor in 1994, then Nixon was just his own special brand of dag-nasty evil, but Bill Clinton’s shenanigans (and Ken Starr’s clenis obsession) were more the consequence of a temporally inverted & perverted standing wave bouncing about the Oval Office than his own alleged lust for a tubby intern. I mean come on, did that make sense to anyone?

Looking forward, and wingnut anti-abortionists on Radio Freakshow aside, if the current application of the theorem holds true then Senator Rick Santorum could well have the inside run in 2008 for the GOP, so now would be a good time to get a few readies on this dirty nag while the odds are long and the disturbing noises coming from behind the still-closed barn door could just be Schrodinger's cat having kittens and not any of the malarkey discussed above.

More fundamentally this theorem is less a foreshadowing, and more a carving into basalt bas-relief, of the small matter that the current US President will never live up to his ancient claims to be 'a uniter, not a divider'. After the fractious 2000 election, peace, love and harmony were never going to be a feature of his domestic legacy, but the horse (fore) play back in the day is the clearest, logically positivist evidence that the monomaniacal idiocy in Iraq and beyond has caused a jagged tear in the starred and striped fabric of US financial, military, and moral hegemony.

He's a modern day George-the-terrible, tossing Humpty Dumpty from the castle walls. And don't even let me get started about his mother.


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