Lest the tail end of Tuesday's post
not leave you completely disabused of notions about my glamorous lifestyle, or at least lack of willingness to sell out for some easy squid, may I now have a Jamie Oliver moment and present...Mr. Zilla's recipe for an Oxford freshers’ week bop14 lb. cheese3 cups school disco2 cups summer festival hit parade1 cup butter (of the "Build Me Up" kind)34 tbsp. of dancefloor 80s tunes, last put to thorough use playing an 80s party in a club in DC in July 2004 while wearing a tight-fitting US Navy flight suit with the nametag "DJ Maverick"... but the less said about that and the ensuing sunburn, the better6 pints of stella1 dollop of top tips from your workmates who get a load of BBC Radio 1 during the day
0. Play half an hour of cool tunes for a couple of mates who've dropped in early.
1. Take the poncy part of your brain that likes a fine remix of 1970s West German jazz, and drop it into the first pint of Stella. Blip! Leave it happily swimming around in there and get stuck into the other five.
2. Combine funk and hiphop until party simmering.
3. Throw all other ingredients in, inadvertently making noises like the Swedish chef. Could be that was half a pint too many back in step 1. Shh, ok, no one noticed.
4. Mix well* and watch the room go crazy. (* -- ie, whenever deciding which of 2 tracks to play next, go with the one you can sing to better. Albeit not like the Swedish chef.)
5. Sorry miss, I forgot the Britney Spears.
6. See step 5.
7. Shout out to Rick who requested the B-52s! Sure he requested it at work around lunchtime Friday, but you've got to get in early at these things. And yes, ok, technically he's not here. What do you think it is, a school raffle?
8. See step 5.
9. Play that funky music, white boy. Play that funky music right.
10. Groove is in the heart, always unstoppable!
11. See step 5... gah.
12. Up comes a construction worker, motorcycle cop, an indian, an cowboy and a sailor. You want some UB40? Just kidding!
13. Bloc Party! Woo!
14. See step 5. Bloody seppos...
15. Does it look like this turntable can play your CD? Umm... no. No it doesn't. Kudos to you for asking though.
16. Yes, the song goes "are you gonna be my girl", but no, you're not meant to take it personally. Just do me a favour and don't pick a fight with anyone this time?
17. Michael Jackson? Mmmm, well I guess he was
acquitted wasn’t he... so yeah, hell yeah!
18. An American girl approaches at pace, screeching "I'm on the college entz committee! And if you don't play [some shithouse R&B track] RIGHT NOW you're never playing here againnn!!" Friends lead her gently away. Absolutely officially the funniest shit like EVAR.
19. Close out with Coldplay, and some AC/DC, and, er, stuff, etcetera.
20. College bar guy & social steward offers seemingly heartfelt but utterly damning praise: "that was great, here's my email address, give me your card, I get requests for weddings all the time here and I can pass them on to you
". Cry into your beer. What have I done? Count the cash, still feel icky, but better. Pack up and go home.